date: Thursday, March 03, 2005 @ 11:44 pm
title: God..
This week has been a week of craziness and manifesting all along..
Darn! i'm sort of manifesting now as I type..
Holy laughter and a bit shaking..
Haaa...
Last Sunday.. when i manifested, my heart ached.. very badly. Ha!
Den He didn't say anything much. But I knew immediately that this week I going to experience emotional skydiving!
And BINGO!! I was right...
Monday was the day of joy..
Frankly speaking I didn't study much, compared to my Prelims..
I read Bible and novels during the 'O's and always read until i nearly forgot to study.
I slept alot as well.. So getting 12 points. I sooooooo dun deserve it lor..
That's for sure is by God's grace. The Bible says, 'Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all will be added to you.' With that, I went into the examination hall. People mugging like siao, but I was reading the purpose driven life book and some Robin Cook's novels..
Faith was what I had when I took the papers.
Well.. He did honor His promise lar..
When many of my leaders asked me how many points I wanted.
I just nonchalantly shot back, '10!!'
Den here I have.. 12 pts mins 2 pts for CCA. 10 points!!
My request list was simple..
Pass English and the rest As.
BOOM BAM BING!!!
It came to pass.. Ha!
People might not understand why I'm so overwhelmed with joy when I got my results and also my friends too as well. I'm so proud of them. God too bless others.
Well.. during the exam period, I prayed to Him asking Him to bless others as well.
Then those who were in the list, did better than me. But it was cool.
Den those who weren't, didn't so as well as expected.
So confirmed. Prayer works. Everything by prayer, nothing without it!!!
Joy was suddenly taken away without warning. I fell into depression..
I dunno what happened. But I have been blogging my ugly past and all my grievances..
All my blogging are seriously under inspiration, so what comes into mind, goes online.
I didn't know that it wasn't by God's idea to list out all my unhappiness when I suppose to be joyful always, be a good cheer. That's the problem with me, always finding the bones in MY OWN egg.
My world just suddenly fell apart with all the questioning from friends and relatives about my results. One thing is that I made to put up with the they-did-better-than-you discrimination and the other hand, trying to console those who didn't do well.. Super stressed up for no reason lor..
Den came the parents conference with me. All the what-are-u-planning-to-do-next interrogation... I didn't know what to do. I asked God about it, but this week, I couldn't concentrate to try to chat with Him like usual. Soaking wasn't working. Guitar skills vanished suddenly. I was so lost. I need direction and God was my compass!!!
I was as though a boy scout in the forest without a compass to find my wayout.
I was walking in circles lost until I fell into a pit. BLAM!
The pit was dark and wet, that was what the situtation felt den.
I did somethings that was so not me. Buying flowers for Candy??
In what common sense was I to buy that for her..
But the voice inside me kept on pushing me to do.
I assumed, maybe she's down den need someone to cheer her up.
My emotions were not stable.
One min in joy, den the next min in sorrow for no reason again.
It was though I was suffering PMS. Irregular and heavy!
Going out and Wednesday was a right thing to do.
Maybe I dunno.. I might kill myself.
By the way, I live at the 16th storey.
So jumping out the window.. u should know.
A sms shook me and I suddenly realised something was wrong with me.
Before that, I assumed I'm alright. But in actual fact, I was in pre-depression state.
Watching 'Hitch' was something that made me to contemplate even more.
After the movie, my emotions just dipped into silence mode.
Again I felt empty and depressed! But for what reason? No reason!
I was ministered by angels for awhile on the way home, but the fear came back again after finished sms-ing a friend. I was starting to explode soon..
Den last night was crazy. I had another round of 1-on-1 with my parents.
I was so determined to key in my choices, so I took a nap to wait for the sever to be less busy.
Just 2 hours after midnight, Daddy woke me up to key in my choice.
Daddy was beside me and I was in front of the monitor.
Singpass ID: S88******.
Invaild ID.
Again.
Same.
Again!!
Same.
'What the **** happened?!?' I screamed in my heart.
I slapped the keyboard. I was so pissed off.
I was filled with anger and fustration.
Daddy tried to calm me, but was futile.
I went to the hall and stared at the night beauty of Singapore island.
Tears was rolling down. I was crying. But why?!?
Fear of not able to key in and flunk the posting filled my thoughts.
I was so scared. I crept by the door and was manifesting..
I was shaking and brawling..
I suddenly felt so cursed.
Daddy came and calm me again.
I ignored his concern and tried again.
Den this came into me,
"The goverment dun recongize me as a Singapore citizen!! What's wrong with me?? What did I do to suffer this torment??" I screamed at my Daddy when he was a bit apprehensive abt my behaviour. He shuted me off and asked me try again tomorrow after seeing the MOE HQ.
I switched the computer and went to sleep.
After the lights were off, I felt very inferior and I was brawling even hard.
'God! What did I do?'
Den Mum was awaken and she reminded me to stay early and pray before sleeping.
I wasn't in the mood for prayer, so I took up my guitar and strummed the usual chords.
Den the presence of God came like a tsunami, the 'killer wave' cut into my heart.
Song of praise and worship came into my mind like a gentle touch from Jesus..
I started to worship.. I was worshipping and crying in the same time.
It was so painful.
My heart was aching like siao lor.
Never ever is worshipping that drama..
I always thought that it will happen on others not me.
Well.. God is the God of possible impossiblilties..
The more I worshiped, the more relief I felt.
All the fear and distress were taken away.
Crying ceased and healing took place.
I prayed all that concerned me. Fullstop.
I went to sleep.
It was a peaceful night.
I slept without any disturbance, until my body clock woke me.
I felt.. netural.
Den God whispered me to go to CPF building to settle the Singpass.
I went. Went alone.
I wore my loud hype trackpants and 'Circle of Truth' tee with beanie.
Mum was commenting that I looked like a rugged Malay. I said nothing.
Things went smooth after all.
Keyed in my choices and went to sleep again...
The commotion was over.
I was alright. I was the usual me.
It all felt like a dream.
The crying and the pissed feeling.
Floaty Woozzy.. :)
Wow.. what a week I had.
After the skydiving, I'm now on hard ground, anticipating the next move.
What am I going to experience soon? I got absolutely no idea.
